Over the last forty years the percentage of adults who are married has dramatically decreased. This is due in part to steady increases in divorces, but also due to people choosing to live together without getting married. Nevertheless, in 2007 the Washington Post issued a report that the fertility rate was the highest it’s been in 35 years! What this means is that more and more children are being born to parents who aren’t married. Relationship stability is lower on average for cohabiting couples than for married couples. A report on the website “smartmarriages.com” explains that 75% of children of cohabiting couples will experience their parents splitting up before the child turns 16. This rate goes down to about 33% for children of married parents*. So what this really means is that more and more children are living in situations where custody of the child is shared between two or more households. Continue
My Articles about divorce
To the spouse who is thinking of leaving…
I’m going to be saying some things here that I want you to know and consider. These are words of wisdom and counsel that I believe you need in what is one of the most critical periods of your life. Before you make any lasting decisions about your commitment to your spouse and your children, you need to be aware of the consequences of your decisions.
You are likely angry or frustrated about many things right now. The fact is most people are not solving any problems or getting any peace by leaving the marriage. In fact, you are probably creating many more problems. If you have children, this is especially true.
Maybe you will find happiness with another person. Regardless of which person you are with, your spouse or someone new, the same work on your SELF is necessary. If you remain the same, you will have the same type of relationship again. Whatever problems you didn’t resolve and work out with your spouse will need to be worked out with someone else I guarantee it. The only way this isn’t true is if you can find someone to overpower and bully around the rest of your life. That isn’t a marriage and it’s not Love. You may feel less vulnerable and more in control in such a relationship but that isn’t a loving relationship and will therefore be less rewarding and less meaningful.
Marriages definitely have their ups and downs. These ups and downs are tied to several outside influences. Finances, health, family stress, job stress. Divorce will not magically solve these problems! Furthermore, when the passion and intimacy in a marriage is suffering, it’s easy to fantasize that someone else out there will better meet your needs. Unfortunately, that’s all it is – a fantasy. As soon as real, everyday life sets in with a new relationship the same old problems will be there too. “Marriage is agreeing to a set of problems” is a quote I use often. There is no problem-free marriage out there folks! ALL problems are solvable if both people are truly committed to the marriage. Boredom, abuse, affairs, addictions, betrayals, can all be resolved if both people are willing to change and let go of resentments. Continue
Can marriage make you happy? Or, if you are unhappily married, will divorce make you feel better? Probably it will not. I’ve been working with couples long enough now to see patterns, tendencies, and trends in marriage and divorce. One tendency I want to highlight here is the human tendency to pursue happiness in all the wrong places and then get upset when those places in our lives don’t produce happiness. “The pursuit of happiness” was written into the U.S. Declaration of Independence by Thomas Jefferson as a right of all the people, and so we Americans expect happiness to come to us. Remember though, the right is not to have happiness, but to pursue it. Rather than pursue, I think many of us have a tendency to postpone happiness. We say to ourselves; “When (fill in the blank) happens, then I’ll be happy” or “If I get that thing, that promotion, that degree, that person, then I’ll be happy.” Continue
This month’s focus on women’s health provides an opportunity to share some valuable information regarding family dynamics. Recent research has taken a serious look at the effects of marriage and family life on women’s well-being. Much of the research in the social sciences suggests that marriage is beneficial to women’s health. For the women who are reading this article: Before you start laughing at that last statement please understand that these studies are based on huge amounts of data from surveys of thousands of people. The findings are based on averages, and comparisons of married women to those who are divorced, cohabiting, or single. Marriage and family life has its trials for sure, but compared to women who are divorced, cohabiting, or single, married life appears to be beneficial for most women. Continue
Some very compelling research on marriage has emerged from the University of Washington in the last few years. Psychology professor John Gottman and his team of researchers have developed a lab the press has dubbed “The Love Lab.” In their laboratory which is set up like an apartment, Gottman and his fellow researchers observe couples as they interact. They see it all; the good, the bad, and the ugly interactions that can take place in marriage. Each partner’s stress levels are measured several times a day through heart rate monitors, stress hormone levels, video monitoring, blood pressure, and interviews. This data is then used to create mathematical models that can predict whether a couple will divorce or not in the next three years. Research has shown their prediction models are more than 90% accurate! Continue
