June 1, 2009
There is a lot of information out there about why marriages fail. A quick search of the internet turns up articles on how communication is the key to marital success. I don’t buy it, and neither should you. Communication is important, but what many don’t realize is that we are always communicating. In fact, you cannot NOT communicate. Everything you do communicates something. Whether you communicated what you intended is another story. Tony Robbins explains it best when he says “communication is defined by the response you get.” Continue
October 22, 2008
Picture a husband and wife in their late thirties, let’s call them Bill and Marie. Bill and Marie both work and have two school-aged kids. Bill’s workday is usually finished first, so he picks up the kids on his way home. When he gets home, Bill often chills out on the couch reading the mail while his kids watch cartoons until supper. When Marie gets home she hurriedly starts preparing dinner and puts another load of laundry in the wash while looking through the kids papers from school. She’ll often plop a load of clean laundry in front of Bill so he can fold it, which he’ll do if the cartoons don’t grab his attention. Continue
September 18, 2007
There’s no doubt that communication is essential yet very complex. I work with a lot of couples in my private practice. During the initial visit, someone will predictably say that communication is their biggest problem. Can you guess which person says this the most? You guessed it, the woman. It has been observed that women want to talk about the relationship regularly to prevent any big problems, but men believe talking about the marriage all the time means there is a big problem! According to marriage experts Pat Love and Steven Stosny, this gender difference in desire to talk is due to women’s fear and anxiety about the relationship and men’s sensitivity to shame and failure. This shows how our own perspectives act as “filters” to any communication we receive. These filters we have often foul up the messages others are trying to send us. The result is misunderstanding, which can lead to a whole cartload of conflict. Continue
May 6, 2007
Last month’s column introduced the traits of good communication and valuing family time and conversation. In this issue, three more of the 15 traits from Dolores Curran’s book, “Traits of a Healthy Family” will be covered. Traits 3 – 5 have to do with providing every family member with a sense of inclusion and acceptance. Continue
May 3, 2007
The summer season is entering its final stretch now. Families will be trying to squeeze a few more valuable vacations in before school starts. Sometimes August feels like “the calm before the storm” because the new school year often hits like a strong wind that scatters the children and blows apart the parents’ schedules. I want to encourage you to take what time is left this summer to shore up your family relationships and overall functioning. Now is the best time to change and improve things in your family, before the frenetic pace of school begins. Rather than worry about what’s going wrong in your family, its better to focus on what you want to go right. The best way to do this is to understand what healthy families do, and emulate these traits in your own family. As Thoreau said, “…you only hit what you aim at, so aim high.” Continue
