Patrick Ward, PhD » Parenting

What is Asperger’s Syndrome?

Patrick Ward — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 20:21:38 +0000

Since the 1990’s “Asperger’s Syndrome” has gradually gained widespread attention. People hear this label, but in the general public it remains an enigma. The term “Asperger’s Syndrome” was first used in 1981, but refers to research by Viennese pediatrician Hans Asperger. In 1944, Dr. Asperger conducted research on a small group of boys that he observed to have atypical social and thinking patterns. As research and understanding of Asperger’s and autism in general expanded, Asperger’s Syndrome came to be understood as a form of high functioning autism. Continue

Sharing Custody, Part 2

Patrick Ward — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:57:14 +0000

Sharing custody means that a child’s parents or guardians do not live together and must negotiate caring for the child or children from two different homes. Usually this is due to a marital divorce or separation of cohabiting couples. Shared custody, or co-parenting, presents unique challenges for the parents who are trying to carry out the “best interests of the child.” Continue

Sharing Custody

Patrick Ward — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 01:21:53 +0000

The children are the ultimate victims of the conflict between the parents. A good analogy is a child in a boat and the parents are on the dock watching. The poor kid’s boat is sinking and the parents argue about who’s going to help and how are they going to help and accusing the other of not being there for the child. While the parents are arguing over these things, the child’s boat sinks and he is really at risk for drowning now. The same thing occurs emotionally for a child when the parents get stuck in a cycle of conflict over child support, visitation schedules, personal vendettas and who said what.

Homework: Taming the Bane

Patrick Ward — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 21:08:44 +0000

What child out there enjoys continuing school work at home? What parent enjoys it? I’m betting that most children and parents would rather not deal with homework. Just thinking about homework is probably not bringing up the most pleasant memories. How many of us can remember, in a memoir sort of way, sitting at a table with math work to do while looking out the window at all the other kids playing and having fun? The next day the teacher gets your homework with little smudges where your teardrops fell on the paper.
Anybody out there struggle with getting their kids to do their homework? I’m betting the majority of parents, by this point in the year, are ready to give up this struggle. The ploys that children will use to avoid doing their homework will grind on a parent’s nerves. By the time the kids are done with their homework, the parents have often developed a twitch. You may be surprised to find this out (tongue in cheek here), but some parents will do the homework and school projects FOR their children just to get it done without the fight and hassle!
When I was a kid we hardly had any homework until high school. Many of my peers have said the same. Times have changed. Now it is common for even third graders to have homework most nights of the week. In recent years there has been a growing trend towards more homework in the earlier grades. There is a great debate on the benefits of this. Some, like the authors of The Case Against Homework (Crown, 2006) and The Homework Myth (Da Capo, 2007), argue that most homework is just busywork and leads to burnout in student interest. Others argue that assigning homework trains children early to get used to heavy study loads, which makes them more successful students in college.
It sounds like a good idea to help kids learn good study habits. Its sounds like a bad idea, though, to give them busy work to accomplish that goal. Kids can learn good study habits in a short amount of time. A standard recommended by Harris Cooper, a psychology professor at Duke University, is 10 minutes of homework for every grade level. That means a third grader should have no more than 30 minutes of homework nightly. I’ve talked with stressed out students who are up until midnight doing homework. I’ve talked with stressed out parents who sit with their children for four hours a night cajoling and holding their hand until the homework is finished. That is NOT helpful. Rather than encouraging good study habits for college, these kids learn to hate studying so much they’ll avoid it at all costs.
Homework is a fact of life for kids, and for parents. It’s best to learn how to successfully get through it. Larry Koenig, author of Homework Without Hassles has three rules he suggests parents follow to successfully get their kids to independently complete their homework. The first rule is to establish a set time for homework. Based on the 10 minute per grade level guideline, set a start time as early as possible while allowing for a reasonable break after school. It’s best to do this before suppertime if possible.
The second rule is to create a homework place. The place to do homework should be quiet, free of distractions, and should have whatever the child needs to do the homework (paper, pencils, calculator, computer, etc.). This will help the child develop a habit and a mindset that work is to be done when he is in that place. Given these guidelines, the homework place shouldn’t be in front of the TV or at the kitchen table. Quiet means no noise is best or maybe soothing music if this helps.
The third rule is that homework is done alone. Dr. Koenig asserts that parents who hover and are over-active with their children’s homework are more responsible for the work, and therefore the child can’t really take the credit for getting the homework done. The result of this is that the child has learned dependency and self-doubt rather than independence and confidence. There are definitely times that a child is working on a group project and this should be done with the other students. Most of the time, though, the assignments are meant to be done on their own. So no phones, no texting. They will get done sooner, and then the phone and texting is a reward for getting it done!
Dr. Koenig states that when parents set these rules, they can expect resistance from the children. He says to remember the benefits that will happen, though, if you insist the rules be followed consistently. The benefits will be less drama and less drawn-out hassles around homework. The child will learn to work independently and manage his own responsibilities. Try it for four weeks, and see if it works better than what you are doing now. Good luck. Continue

Special Focus: Adoption

Patrick Ward — Wed, 06 May 2009 02:54:20 +0000

adoption touches the lives of approximately 50 million Americans. As a result, this is a topic that is broad and deep. This discussion barely scratches the surface of the many dynamics and issues unique to adoptive families. In the past, adoption used to be considered something you really didn't discuss. In fact, telling children they were adopted was discouraged. Now, adoption is seen for the very positive gift and blessing that it is:

Managing the Media in Your Home

Patrick Ward — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 21:06:26 +0000

What would your life be like if television, the internet, and computers suddenly didn’t work any more? The amount of uneasiness you have in reaction to that question is a good indicator of how influential electronic media is in your life. Most of us remember the days when there was no Internet and the television offered about 12 channels. What is more, we had to get up and change the television channels manually! Now there are so many media and entertainment options so easily available, it feels overwhelming. In fact, it seems as if the American family home is inundated by media overexposure. Continue

The Gift of Acceptance

Patrick Ward — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:59:07 +0000

I see plenty of adults who are punishing themselves because they aren’t someone else. Most of them started as children who felt punished because they weren’t someone else. This someone else they never were is not even a real person, it’s an ideal. This ideal was communicated to them by their parents and it is an anachronism, a relic, based on expectations, dreams, and hopes that the parent had for their child. Parental expectations and visions of the ideal child are formed before the baby is even born. Every parent develops these hopes and dreams to some extent. Mostly these are based on societal images of success, because for some reason we equate what others view as success as the key to eternal bliss and contentment for our children. So really what parents want is for their children to be happy and content. Continue

Instilling Positive Values in Your Children

Patrick Ward — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 21:22:11 +0000

Every parent has a picture in their mind of how they want their child to turn out. Most parents want their child to be honest, responsible, polite, loving, hard working, and happy. Other values and virtues that parents try to establish in their children may include a love of sports, an appreciation for art or music, a love of the outdoors, faith in God, and community service. The list can go on and on. These various values fit into three broad categories; 1) Attitudes towards others, such as being polite, 2) Character traits, such as honesty, and 3) Lifestyle choices, such as a love of the outdoors. We often hope our children can attain these lofty values better than we do. There are several ways parents can instill these values, and “do as I say, not as I do” isn’t one of them. Continue

Becoming Parents: Challenging Changes

Patrick Ward — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 17:03:00 +0000

Parenthood is great in many ways. Becoming a parent, however, is a growth process and it takes a lot of learning through trial and error. Bill Cosby says “Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.” Those of us who are parents can agree it’s much harder than we thought, but there is also the potential for great joy and happiness as a parent. When I found out that my wife was pregnant the first time, I had only the slightest idea how my life was about to change. Before I had kids of my own, I had some friends who were parents. When I told them we were expecting, these friends – with spit up on their shoulders and crying babies in the background – would grin and say how much they were looking forward to us having a child to take care of. Looking back, I think the grin was more sadistic than celebratory. It’s like they couldn’t wait to see us suffer and stagger through the transition to parenthood. Continue

Hidden Keys to Helping Your Teenager

Patrick Ward — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 17:04:52 +0000

Most parents of teens will tell you their adolescent child is doing well if they have managed to avoid the “Three D’s”: drinking, drugs, and delinquency. When you think about it, this is a backwards way of viewing the wellness of teens. I recently ran across an interview with a well-known expert on child development that got me thinking about this. Richard Lerner, a developmental psychologist specializing in adolescence has recently written a book that challenges the negative mindset about teens called “The Good Teen.” Continue