There’s no doubt that communication is essential yet very complex. I work with a lot of couples in my private practice. During the initial visit, someone will predictably say that communication is their biggest problem. Can you guess which person says this the most? You guessed it, the woman. It has been observed that women want to talk about the relationship regularly to prevent any big problems, but men believe talking about the marriage all the time means there is a big problem! According to marriage experts Pat Love and Steven Stosny, this gender difference in desire to talk is due to women’s fear and anxiety about the relationship and men’s sensitivity to shame and failure. This shows how our own perspectives act as “filters” to any communication we receive. These filters we have often foul up the messages others are trying to send us. The result is misunderstanding, which can lead to a whole cartload of conflict. Continue
Marriage
Can marriage make you happy? Or, if you are unhappily married, will divorce make you feel better? Probably it will not. I’ve been working with couples long enough now to see patterns, tendencies, and trends in marriage and divorce. One tendency I want to highlight here is the human tendency to pursue happiness in all the wrong places and then get upset when those places in our lives don’t produce happiness. “The pursuit of happiness” was written into the U.S. Declaration of Independence by Thomas Jefferson as a right of all the people, and so we Americans expect happiness to come to us. Remember though, the right is not to have happiness, but to pursue it. Rather than pursue, I think many of us have a tendency to postpone happiness. We say to ourselves; “When (fill in the blank) happens, then I’ll be happy” or “If I get that thing, that promotion, that degree, that person, then I’ll be happy.” Continue
In families, the most important relationship is the mother-father relationship. You’ve heard it said that “happy parents make happy kids?” It’s true. The stability of the family rests on the mother and father (or parent and stepparent) maintaining a strong and healthy bond. Every so often, this column will be devoted to providing information that is designed to enrich the couple relationship. This month, I want to share a couple of important relationship skills. The first is called “Sharing Withholds,” and the second is “The Habit of Happiness.” Both of these skills were taught to me by Dr. Les Parrott, a well-known author and marital expert. More information on his writings and teaching can be found at http://www.realrelationships.com. Continue
This month’s focus on women’s health provides an opportunity to share some valuable information regarding family dynamics. Recent research has taken a serious look at the effects of marriage and family life on women’s well-being. Much of the research in the social sciences suggests that marriage is beneficial to women’s health. For the women who are reading this article: Before you start laughing at that last statement please understand that these studies are based on huge amounts of data from surveys of thousands of people. The findings are based on averages, and comparisons of married women to those who are divorced, cohabiting, or single. Marriage and family life has its trials for sure, but compared to women who are divorced, cohabiting, or single, married life appears to be beneficial for most women. Continue
Some very compelling research on marriage has emerged from the University of Washington in the last few years. Psychology professor John Gottman and his team of researchers have developed a lab the press has dubbed “The Love Lab.” In their laboratory which is set up like an apartment, Gottman and his fellow researchers observe couples as they interact. They see it all; the good, the bad, and the ugly interactions that can take place in marriage. Each partner’s stress levels are measured several times a day through heart rate monitors, stress hormone levels, video monitoring, blood pressure, and interviews. This data is then used to create mathematical models that can predict whether a couple will divorce or not in the next three years. Research has shown their prediction models are more than 90% accurate! Continue
