Patrick Ward, PhD » Marriage

To the spouse who is leaving

Patrick Ward — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 17:43:59 +0000

To the spouse who is thinking of leaving…
I’m going to be saying some things here that I want you to know and consider. These are words of wisdom and counsel that I believe you need in what is one of the most critical periods of your life. Before you make any lasting decisions about your commitment to your spouse and your children, you need to be aware of the consequences of your decisions.
You are likely angry or frustrated about many things right now. The fact is most people are not solving any problems or getting any peace by leaving the marriage. In fact, you are probably creating many more problems. If you have children, this is especially true.
Maybe you will find happiness with another person. Regardless of which person you are with, your spouse or someone new, the same work on your SELF is necessary. If you remain the same, you will have the same type of relationship again. Whatever problems you didn’t resolve and work out with your spouse will need to be worked out with someone else I guarantee it. The only way this isn’t true is if you can find someone to overpower and bully around the rest of your life. That isn’t a marriage and it’s not Love. You may feel less vulnerable and more in control in such a relationship but that isn’t a loving relationship and will therefore be less rewarding and less meaningful.
Marriages definitely have their ups and downs. These ups and downs are tied to several outside influences. Finances, health, family stress, job stress. Divorce will not magically solve these problems! Furthermore, when the passion and intimacy in a marriage is suffering, it’s easy to fantasize that someone else out there will better meet your needs. Unfortunately, that’s all it is – a fantasy. As soon as real, everyday life sets in with a new relationship the same old problems will be there too. “Marriage is agreeing to a set of problems” is a quote I use often. There is no problem-free marriage out there folks! ALL problems are solvable if both people are truly committed to the marriage. Boredom, abuse, affairs, addictions, betrayals, can all be resolved if both people are willing to change and let go of resentments. Continue

Questions for Couples to Ponder

Patrick Ward — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 17:27:29 +0000

William Glasser is the author of “Choice Theory” and developer of Reality Therapy. In his work with couples, Dr. Glasser starts out with these six important questions:
1. Are you here because you really want help? Or are you here because you have already made up your mind to divorce but want to be able to say you tried to get help?
2. Very briefly, what do you believe is wrong with the marriage?
3. Whose behavior can you control?
4. Tell me one good thing about the marriage as it exists right now.
5. Think of and then tell me something that you are willing to do this coming week that you believe will help your marriage. Whatever it is, it must be something you can do yourself. It must no depend, in any way, on what your partner should or should not do.
6. During this coming week, are you willing to try to think of an additional thing besides what you thought of here? And then do it following the same I-can-control-only-what-I-do conditions as in the previous question? Continue

Commitment

Patrick Ward — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 23:30:16 +0000

There is a lot of information out there about why marriages fail. A quick search of the internet turns up articles on how communication is the key to marital success. I don’t buy it, and neither should you. Communication is important, but what many don’t realize is that we are always communicating. In fact, you cannot NOT communicate. Everything you do communicates something. Whether you communicated what you intended is another story. Tony Robbins explains it best when he says “communication is defined by the response you get.” Continue

How to $Succeed with Money in Marriage

Patrick Ward — Mon, 04 May 2009 23:25:05 +0000

Mike and Lori (fictional names) are headed towards divorce. Lori came home from work and found the electricity was out. She decided she'd had enough after she learned that the electric bill wasn't paid. In fact, it was one of many bills that haven't been paid for the last three months. When she confronted Mike about this, he lashed out that he couldn't pay the bills because she's been spending all her paycheck rather than putting her half into the account for paying bills. Knowing that Mike's salary alone could cover the monthly bills, she didn't give up solving the mystery. Lori found out that Mike bought an expensive motorcycle and has been keeping it in rented storage. Because of these secret expenses, there's been "too much month at the end of the money" for Mike and Lori. Lori is a forgiving person, but this is the third time Mike has put them through this mess with his secret spending. They've already declared bankruptcy three years earlier.

Fireproofing Your Marriage

Patrick Ward — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 16:50:04 +0000

“Never leave your partner behind” is the tagline for the newly released movie “Fireproof.” This movie depicts a young married couple experiencing total marital meltdown. While the couple (Catherine and Caleb Holt) are fictional the problems they face are all too common. Furthermore, the way they fight over these problems and how quickly they consider divorce is all too common as well. How their marriage is rescued is the main story in the movie. Continue

Household Labor – Are you Pulling Your Weight?

Patrick Ward — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 21:20:26 +0000

Picture a husband and wife in their late thirties, let’s call them Bill and Marie. Bill and Marie both work and have two school-aged kids. Bill’s workday is usually finished first, so he picks up the kids on his way home. When he gets home, Bill often chills out on the couch reading the mail while his kids watch cartoons until supper. When Marie gets home she hurriedly starts preparing dinner and puts another load of laundry in the wash while looking through the kids papers from school. She’ll often plop a load of clean laundry in front of Bill so he can fold it, which he’ll do if the cartoons don’t grab his attention. Continue

In-Laws: A Vital Pillar of Support

Patrick Ward — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 21:23:44 +0000

In the “crazy-in-love” days of dating through the honeymoon period, most people don’t give much thought to the impact that their spouse’s parents can have on the marriage. The truth is though, with all other things being equal, in-laws can make or break a marriage. More specifically, the husband or wife’s relationship with their in-laws and whether or not the in-laws support the marriage are very important factors in marital satisfaction and stability. These truths have been supported in research by sociologists and marital experts. So in-laws have much more to offer than comedic relief in “Everybody Loves Raymond” or being the butt of good jokes, like this one: Continue

Communication: Can you Hear me Now?

Patrick Ward — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 21:33:39 +0000

There’s no doubt that communication is essential yet very complex. I work with a lot of couples in my private practice. During the initial visit, someone will predictably say that communication is their biggest problem. Can you guess which person says this the most? You guessed it, the woman. It has been observed that women want to talk about the relationship regularly to prevent any big problems, but men believe talking about the marriage all the time means there is a big problem! According to marriage experts Pat Love and Steven Stosny, this gender difference in desire to talk is due to women’s fear and anxiety about the relationship and men’s sensitivity to shame and failure. This shows how our own perspectives act as “filters” to any communication we receive. These filters we have often foul up the messages others are trying to send us. The result is misunderstanding, which can lead to a whole cartload of conflict. Continue

Happiness and Marriage

Patrick Ward — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 17:06:31 +0000

Can marriage make you happy? Or, if you are unhappily married, will divorce make you feel better? Probably it will not. I’ve been working with couples long enough now to see patterns, tendencies, and trends in marriage and divorce. One tendency I want to highlight here is the human tendency to pursue happiness in all the wrong places and then get upset when those places in our lives don’t produce happiness. “The pursuit of happiness” was written into the U.S. Declaration of Independence by Thomas Jefferson as a right of all the people, and so we Americans expect happiness to come to us. Remember though, the right is not to have happiness, but to pursue it. Rather than pursue, I think many of us have a tendency to postpone happiness. We say to ourselves; “When (fill in the blank) happens, then I’ll be happy” or “If I get that thing, that promotion, that degree, that person, then I’ll be happy.” Continue

CARP: Couples Acquiring Relational Principles

Patrick Ward — Thu, 03 May 2007 20:32:03 +0000

In families, the most important relationship is the mother-father relationship. You’ve heard it said that “happy parents make happy kids?” It’s true. The stability of the family rests on the mother and father (or parent and stepparent) maintaining a strong and healthy bond. Every so often, this column will be devoted to providing information that is designed to enrich the couple relationship. This month, I want to share a couple of important relationship skills. The first is called “Sharing Withholds,” and the second is “The Habit of Happiness.” Both of these skills were taught to me by Dr. Les Parrott, a well-known author and marital expert. More information on his writings and teaching can be found at http://www.realrelationships.com. Continue