To the spouse who is thinking of leaving…
I’m going to be saying some things here that I want you to know and consider. These are words of wisdom and counsel that I believe you need in what is one of the most critical periods of your life. Before you make any lasting decisions about your commitment to your spouse and your children, you need to be aware of the consequences of your decisions.
You are likely angry or frustrated about many things right now. The fact is most people are not solving any problems or getting any peace by leaving the marriage. In fact, you are probably creating many more problems. If you have children, this is especially true.
Maybe you will find happiness with another person. Regardless of which person you are with, your spouse or someone new, the same work on your SELF is necessary. If you remain the same, you will have the same type of relationship again. Whatever problems you didn’t resolve and work out with your spouse will need to be worked out with someone else I guarantee it. The only way this isn’t true is if you can find someone to overpower and bully around the rest of your life. That isn’t a marriage and it’s not Love. You may feel less vulnerable and more in control in such a relationship but that isn’t a loving relationship and will therefore be less rewarding and less meaningful.
Marriages definitely have their ups and downs. These ups and downs are tied to several outside influences. Finances, health, family stress, job stress. Divorce will not magically solve these problems! Furthermore, when the passion and intimacy in a marriage is suffering, it’s easy to fantasize that someone else out there will better meet your needs. Unfortunately, that’s all it is – a fantasy. As soon as real, everyday life sets in with a new relationship the same old problems will be there too. “Marriage is agreeing to a set of problems” is a quote I use often. There is no problem-free marriage out there folks! ALL problems are solvable if both people are truly committed to the marriage. Boredom, abuse, affairs, addictions, betrayals, can all be resolved if both people are willing to change and let go of resentments. Continue
Marriage
William Glasser is the author of “Choice Theory” and developer of Reality Therapy. In his work with couples, Dr. Glasser starts out with these six important questions:
1. Are you here because you really want help? Or are you here because you have already made up your mind to divorce but want to be able to say you tried to get help?
2. Very briefly, what do you believe is wrong with the marriage?
3. Whose behavior can you control?
4. Tell me one good thing about the marriage as it exists right now.
5. Think of and then tell me something that you are willing to do this coming week that you believe will help your marriage. Whatever it is, it must be something you can do yourself. It must no depend, in any way, on what your partner should or should not do.
6. During this coming week, are you willing to try to think of an additional thing besides what you thought of here? And then do it following the same I-can-control-only-what-I-do conditions as in the previous question? Continue
There is a lot of information out there about why marriages fail. A quick search of the internet turns up articles on how communication is the key to marital success. I don’t buy it, and neither should you. Communication is important, but what many don’t realize is that we are always communicating. In fact, you cannot NOT communicate. Everything you do communicates something. Whether you communicated what you intended is another story. Tony Robbins explains it best when he says “communication is defined by the response you get.” Continue
Mike and Lori (fictional names) are headed towards divorce. Lori came home from work and found the electricity was out. She decided she’d had enough after she learned that the electric bill wasn’t paid. In fact, it was one of many bills that haven’t been paid for the last three months. When she confronted Mike about this, he lashed out that he couldn’t pay the bills because she’s been spending all her paycheck rather than putting her half into the account for paying bills. Knowing that Mike’s salary alone could cover the monthly bills, she didn’t give up solving the mystery. Lori found out that Mike bought an expensive motorcycle and has been keeping it in rented storage. Because of these secret expenses, there’s been “too much month at the end of the money” for Mike and Lori. Lori is a forgiving person, but this is the third time Mike has put them through this mess with his secret spending. They’ve already declared bankruptcy three years earlier. Continue
“Never leave your partner behind” is the tagline for the newly released movie “Fireproof.” This movie depicts a young married couple experiencing total marital meltdown. While the couple (Catherine and Caleb Holt) are fictional the problems they face are all too common. Furthermore, the way they fight over these problems and how quickly they consider divorce is all too common as well. How their marriage is rescued is the main story in the movie. Continue
