Patrick Ward, PhD » Family

Sharing Custody, Part 2

Patrick Ward — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:57:14 +0000

Sharing custody means that a child’s parents or guardians do not live together and must negotiate caring for the child or children from two different homes. Usually this is due to a marital divorce or separation of cohabiting couples. Shared custody, or co-parenting, presents unique challenges for the parents who are trying to carry out the “best interests of the child.” Continue

Tips for the Holidays

Patrick Ward — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 03:17:24 +0000

Think about the following questions, and take some time to come up with your answers. What’s most meaningful to you about the holidays? What would your Thanksgiving and Christmas be like if they were truly wonderful? What makes it all worth it? Many say that what makes it wonderful is time to enjoy relationships with family and friends, a time to refocus on what’s really important, celebrating Jesus’ birth, doing good for others, and so on. Continue

Homework: Taming the Bane

Patrick Ward — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 21:08:44 +0000

What child out there enjoys continuing school work at home? What parent enjoys it? I’m betting that most children and parents would rather not deal with homework. Just thinking about homework is probably not bringing up the most pleasant memories. How many of us can remember, in a memoir sort of way, sitting at a table with math work to do while looking out the window at all the other kids playing and having fun? The next day the teacher gets your homework with little smudges where your teardrops fell on the paper.
Anybody out there struggle with getting their kids to do their homework? I’m betting the majority of parents, by this point in the year, are ready to give up this struggle. The ploys that children will use to avoid doing their homework will grind on a parent’s nerves. By the time the kids are done with their homework, the parents have often developed a twitch. You may be surprised to find this out (tongue in cheek here), but some parents will do the homework and school projects FOR their children just to get it done without the fight and hassle!
When I was a kid we hardly had any homework until high school. Many of my peers have said the same. Times have changed. Now it is common for even third graders to have homework most nights of the week. In recent years there has been a growing trend towards more homework in the earlier grades. There is a great debate on the benefits of this. Some, like the authors of The Case Against Homework (Crown, 2006) and The Homework Myth (Da Capo, 2007), argue that most homework is just busywork and leads to burnout in student interest. Others argue that assigning homework trains children early to get used to heavy study loads, which makes them more successful students in college.
It sounds like a good idea to help kids learn good study habits. Its sounds like a bad idea, though, to give them busy work to accomplish that goal. Kids can learn good study habits in a short amount of time. A standard recommended by Harris Cooper, a psychology professor at Duke University, is 10 minutes of homework for every grade level. That means a third grader should have no more than 30 minutes of homework nightly. I’ve talked with stressed out students who are up until midnight doing homework. I’ve talked with stressed out parents who sit with their children for four hours a night cajoling and holding their hand until the homework is finished. That is NOT helpful. Rather than encouraging good study habits for college, these kids learn to hate studying so much they’ll avoid it at all costs.
Homework is a fact of life for kids, and for parents. It’s best to learn how to successfully get through it. Larry Koenig, author of Homework Without Hassles has three rules he suggests parents follow to successfully get their kids to independently complete their homework. The first rule is to establish a set time for homework. Based on the 10 minute per grade level guideline, set a start time as early as possible while allowing for a reasonable break after school. It’s best to do this before suppertime if possible.
The second rule is to create a homework place. The place to do homework should be quiet, free of distractions, and should have whatever the child needs to do the homework (paper, pencils, calculator, computer, etc.). This will help the child develop a habit and a mindset that work is to be done when he is in that place. Given these guidelines, the homework place shouldn’t be in front of the TV or at the kitchen table. Quiet means no noise is best or maybe soothing music if this helps.
The third rule is that homework is done alone. Dr. Koenig asserts that parents who hover and are over-active with their children’s homework are more responsible for the work, and therefore the child can’t really take the credit for getting the homework done. The result of this is that the child has learned dependency and self-doubt rather than independence and confidence. There are definitely times that a child is working on a group project and this should be done with the other students. Most of the time, though, the assignments are meant to be done on their own. So no phones, no texting. They will get done sooner, and then the phone and texting is a reward for getting it done!
Dr. Koenig states that when parents set these rules, they can expect resistance from the children. He says to remember the benefits that will happen, though, if you insist the rules be followed consistently. The benefits will be less drama and less drawn-out hassles around homework. The child will learn to work independently and manage his own responsibilities. Try it for four weeks, and see if it works better than what you are doing now. Good luck. Continue

To the spouse who is leaving

Patrick Ward — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 17:43:59 +0000

To the spouse who is thinking of leaving…
I’m going to be saying some things here that I want you to know and consider. These are words of wisdom and counsel that I believe you need in what is one of the most critical periods of your life. Before you make any lasting decisions about your commitment to your spouse and your children, you need to be aware of the consequences of your decisions.
You are likely angry or frustrated about many things right now. The fact is most people are not solving any problems or getting any peace by leaving the marriage. In fact, you are probably creating many more problems. If you have children, this is especially true.
Maybe you will find happiness with another person. Regardless of which person you are with, your spouse or someone new, the same work on your SELF is necessary. If you remain the same, you will have the same type of relationship again. Whatever problems you didn’t resolve and work out with your spouse will need to be worked out with someone else I guarantee it. The only way this isn’t true is if you can find someone to overpower and bully around the rest of your life. That isn’t a marriage and it’s not Love. You may feel less vulnerable and more in control in such a relationship but that isn’t a loving relationship and will therefore be less rewarding and less meaningful.
Marriages definitely have their ups and downs. These ups and downs are tied to several outside influences. Finances, health, family stress, job stress. Divorce will not magically solve these problems! Furthermore, when the passion and intimacy in a marriage is suffering, it’s easy to fantasize that someone else out there will better meet your needs. Unfortunately, that’s all it is – a fantasy. As soon as real, everyday life sets in with a new relationship the same old problems will be there too. “Marriage is agreeing to a set of problems” is a quote I use often. There is no problem-free marriage out there folks! ALL problems are solvable if both people are truly committed to the marriage. Boredom, abuse, affairs, addictions, betrayals, can all be resolved if both people are willing to change and let go of resentments. Continue

Special Focus: Adoption

Patrick Ward — Wed, 06 May 2009 02:54:20 +0000

adoption touches the lives of approximately 50 million Americans. As a result, this is a topic that is broad and deep. This discussion barely scratches the surface of the many dynamics and issues unique to adoptive families. In the past, adoption used to be considered something you really didn't discuss. In fact, telling children they were adopted was discouraged. Now, adoption is seen for the very positive gift and blessing that it is:

Being Present for the Presents

Patrick Ward — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 16:52:23 +0000

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present ~Babatunde Olatunji Continue

Mother’s Day

Patrick Ward — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 17:00:46 +0000

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there! Nobody loves us like our mothers, right? The quote “A face only a mother could love” is a testament to the staying power of motherly love. A mother’s love and nurturing are often taken for granted. Remembering the significance of mothers in our society is a big reason that mother’s day was first established by Anna Marie Jarvis. She was a West Virginian by the way. Continue

Successful Summer Traveling – The Road Trip

Patrick Ward — Sat, 02 Jun 2007 17:09:51 +0000

A road trip with school-age children requires planning and flexibility. It requires realistic expectations. It also requires good self-care for the parents, or you’ll feel like you need your own vacation after the family vacation. To illustrate these points, let me tell you a story about my good friend Chadd. Continue

Traits of Healthy Families – Part 5

Patrick Ward — Tue, 15 May 2007 20:50:22 +0000

Ready or not, the holidays are upon us! Hopefully this means you are excited and in the spirit rather than stressed out by this holiday season. It has worked out well that this last column on traits of healthy families will cover traits that show how important the holidays can be to your family wellness. This is the last installment in a series on the 15 traits of healthy families identified by family expert Dolores Curran. The three traits left to discuss are that healthy families have rituals and traditions, value service to others, and have a shared religious core. Continue

Traits of Healthy Families – Part 4

Patrick Ward — Sat, 12 May 2007 20:49:05 +0000

This is the fourth installment of a series exploring 15 traits of healthy families, identified by Dolores Curran as vital to family success. Traits nine through 12 will be covered in this column. The four traits we’ll examine this month all have to do with boundaries. In every family, there are physical and relational boundaries. Healthy families are those that; 9) share responsibilities, 10) have a sense of right and wrong, 11) respect the privacy of one another, and 12) admit to and seek help with problems. These traits have to do with boundaries between family members, the boundaries of what is morally acceptable, and the boundary between the family and the larger community. Continue